Baby Mathematics

*Pictures Below*

Teddy is officially one month old! I would like to say that this month flew by because of sheer joy…but the truth is far more complicated. My son is a normal baby and hence requires a lot of attention, food, and diaper changes. Added to this “normal” baby workload is the fact that Teddy needs supplemental formula. During the first three weeks, we had to bird-feed him through a special syringe because we were told bottle feeding would confuse his tiny brain – apparently, the nipple on a bottle is different than my wife’s nipple. After several exhausting nights, we gave up on the arduous procedure of the syringe and went against the better judgment of the breastfeeding police. We gave him a bottle and it took him about 1 second to figure it out. The bottle along with breastfeeding helped Teddy gain 3 pounds within two weeks and helped us get some well-needed rest. I once took a class in “Animal Behavior” while getting my Biology degree – I think more than anything else, that class has gotten me through the past month. My son, for all intents and purposes, is like a little puppy right now. He doesn’t have any rational thought or reasoning – my  Chihuahua has a leg up on him at this point in time. It sounds harsh to say, but it is the truth – all babies start at the bottom of the IQ animal totem pole.

giphy

There are three significant things babies want throughout the day: food, comfort, and security. The first two needs are pretty easy to figure out as a parent – feed the baby every couple of hours and change the diaper. The last need is what requires some knowledge of animal behavior. Teddy is very good at crying and grunting so that he will be held and feel secure. Unfortunately for Teddy, we both need sleep. When we lay him in the crib he grunts almost constantly, and after a month, I have deciphered the meaning of those grunts. A single grunt within a 10-minute timespan means he is dreaming of breasts. A double grunt within a 5-minute timespan means he is farting, pooping, or dreaming of a field of breasts. A triple grunt within a 2-minute timespan means he is about to wake up and cry for my wife’s breasts. Hence, instead of rushing to comfort him at every grunt, I now have a fickle system of baby mathematics.

For matters other than grunting, we took Teddy in for professional pictures, and I am proud to post them below. The photo shoot was exhausting, and I commend the photographer for her patience – Teddy feigned sleep like a cocaine addict on the first of the month. He is scheduled for more pictures at 3, 6, 9, and 12 months…please keep us in your prayers.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Without Further Adieu…My Son!

Last week, January 5th at 2:40 in the morning, Theodore Wallace Reynaldo Oldham came into the world. He weighed 6 pounds 6 ounces and measured 20 inches in length. These stats pale in comparison to the circumference of his head – 13 inches. Christina had to push that dome through her pelvis!!! Let’s go back in time before this herculean feat to fully grasp the immensity of her labor. The date was January 4th, and my wife was very pregnant; a state of pregnancy that requires not only a pregnancy pillow but also regular back massages, pep talks, and trips to the bathroom. There is a joke that fits Christina’s state of mind at this point…

How many days are there in a month?

Each month has an average of 30-31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234.

img_20190105_034355170

In short, she was ready for Teddy to come out. Her readiness escalated on January 3rd when we went to her OB appointment and found out that she was already 5 cm dilated. Later that day, we went to the hospital because we thought her water broke. She wasn’t having intense contractions, but we wanted to be cautious – after three hours and Christina’s only complaint being chapped lips – we were sent home. The next day, January 4th, Christina was off work and tried everything possible to induce labor. The morning entailed three hours of bouncing on a yoga ball. The afternoon entailed a nice walk outdoors. The evening entailed a spicy burrito at our favorite Mexican restaurant. There was no progression, and by the time I went to sleep at 10 PM, there were no signs of labor. Now I want to be honest and give you guys the real story – the story that gets censured in polite conversation. When I went to sleep, I prayed to God that if He thought it best, we would have sex to induce labor. You may be wondering why I would pray this odd prayer. Without going into to much detail, our sex life at this point was far from honeymoon status. I was scared to death of poking Teddy in the head, and Christina felt the opposite of attractive.

img_2995

Hence the prayer and the unlikelihood of us having intercourse the night of January 4th. Yet something strange happened. I woke up at midnight because I was restless and decided to hit the bathroom. Before going back to sleep, I noticed Christina was still up watching TV. Our eyes met, and something clicked in our loins – the dirty commenced like we were fresh fawns in a field. Immediately afterward, and I mean immediately afterward, Christina went into full blown labor! She had contractions that bent her body in half, and she felt a strong urge to push. I told her to push on the toilet, and we waited to see if the contractions would abate – they got stronger, and her water conveniently broke. By that point it was 12:45 AM and we rushed to the hospital. At 1:00 AM I dropped her off at the Emergency Department, and a tech wheeled her to the labor and delivery floor – when I say wheeled I mean he ran like hell through the hospital. I parked the car, and by the time I got to the room it was 1:15 am. The nurse checked her cervix, and she was 8 centimeters dilated. Contractions were getting worse, and because her dilation was so advanced, there was no time for pain medications. At 1:30 AM, Christina was notified that she would have to go through a natural labor. When I told her to embrace the pain, she looked at me like our marriage was on the line. The contractions continued to worsen, and she got on her knees to relieve the pain. By 2:15 AM the doctor was in a position to catch the baby – his head kept prairie dogging. Chistina looked exhausted, and her face had broken blood vessels from all the pushing. By 2:35 AM she was about to give up – another contraction was out of the question. I tried to coach her. I tried to relieve her pain. I tried to videotape.

img_3001

The final contraction came, and with all her might Christina pushed out the behemoth 13-inch head. Teddy slid into the world crying and needing a hair cut. Both Christina and Teddy came out healthy; Christina had to be stitched up but she is healing nicely, and now she has a war story to tell. Teddy lost 20% of his body weight after two days but is now back to his birth weight after 24 hours of constant feeding. I am so proud of my wife and new family. My son is beautiful, and I am thankful to God for answering all of my prayers :). I am tired, and I apologize for the delayed post – my writing feels a little choppy but bear with me – we’ll have many more refined Teddy posts in the future.

img_20190113_170642_01

It’s Finally Here

I must admit that I titled this post vaguely to get more views. Teddy is not here yet, but Christina is having contractions – as of last Thursday, she was 2 centimeters dilated. Today I am excited to announce the publication of Tackle the Library – Indian Independence. This is my third book in the series and by far the best one yet. The description is below…

Indian Independence Cover 4.jpg

August 15th, 1947 marked the first day of independence for one-fifth of the world’s population. Independence from Britain in India and Pakistan directly impacted the lives of 400 million people – but that freedom morphed into migration, murder, and mayhem. This historic event is presented for the first time from beginning to end. Starting in ancient India and ending in our current times – Indian Independence is given its due breadth and required context that is often missing in previous works. Topics include:

• India before the British
• The British expansion into India
• The 1857 Rebellion
• Gandhi, Jinnah, Nehru, and Mountbatten
• British Racialism
• The Rise of Hindu Nationalism
• The Cause of the Hindu-Muslim Divide
• The Impact of Partition
• Maps Illustrating the Changing Face of India over Three Centuries

The Tackle the Library series (previous topics include Plato and The French Revolution) takes the top five books on a subject and turns them into a cohesive story that is not only interesting to read but highly informative. These are concise artisanal books served in small batches and written by yours truly – not a third party ghostwriter. No other book explains so much while remaining something you can read in a single weekend. So stop staring at that dusty shelf of textbooks in the library and crack open a book that will feed your curiosity.

giphy-1

I am offering a free download to all my readers today and tomorrow (you can click on any of the hyperlinks to reach the site). Please check it out and leave a review. I also wanted to thank all my readers for supporting me throughout 2018. Posts will resume on a weekly basis in 2019, and I will be publishing my first ever novel in March – American Chestnut. The fourth installment of Tackle the Library is already underway, and by June you will get to read about Aristotle. Let’s raise a glass to the new year and my future son. Thank you again for reading and joining me on this journey of wisdom.

Why I don’t like Mother’s Day

13124550_10101383816542751_6286878037789998188_n

Am I a bad son for not liking Mother’s Day? I love my Mom and appreciate all the sacrifices she has taken in raising me. I also enjoy treating her to food, cards, and flowers because she deserves all the recognition in the world. The problem is, I don’t like the obligatory “Mother’s Day” celebration because it doesn’t seem natural. Yesterday, I went to the store to buy my Mom a card and there was an actual line of people waiting to pick out a overpriced piece of paper. Were these patient customers really waiting to buy this card out of an act of love or an act of cultural obligation? A similar holiday that I dislike is Valentine’s Day. Is it really romantic to buy flowers for someone because you have to? My point is that showing love and affection on these days seems more like a routine then a actual portrayal of appreciation. Of course this sounds like blasphemy to most but hear me out. I think Mother’s Day should be a random day of the year. Why a random day? Two reasons, the first being that it shows your Mom that she was on your mind. Secondly, the time and money that you spent for her is by your own choosing-not because it is was a prescribed day on a calendar. I have an even more radical idea. Mother’s Day should be on your birthday. Why do we celebrate our birthdays when we did absolutely nothing but bring extreme amounts of pain to our mothers? Every mom suffered to some degree on that day and we should really celebrate their heroic effort to remove a human being from their body. No one deserves birthday cake more than a woman who had to push a human head through a tiny hole. So this Mother’s Day say “I Love You to your Mom” but remember that random acts of kindness throughout the year mean so much more. Pick a day out the blue, make a homemade card, and take your Mom out to get pancakes-she may remember that more than any previous Mother’s Day. To really make a memory, buy her a cake on your birthday and thank her for all the things she had to go through to become your beloved Mom.

-I love you Mom and I will say that today and everyday.