Vacation of Carbs

IMG_0770IMG_0773IMG_0774

At this very moment my stomach feels so fat that it is currently protruding onto my keyboard and obstructing the right-click button. This is a major problem because I am a Registered Dietitian and there are levels of fluffiness which cannot  be surpassed. My recent weight gain is a result of my family vacation to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oldham family vacations are not the type of trips where one lays by a pool and relaxes. No, the Oldham family vacation is more like a marathon where volunteers hand out ice cream cones instead of cups of water. We are all healthy people when not on vacation but we tend to go about our trips as if we were all possessed by some carb demon. From the beginning, bags of chips, cookies, granola bars (not the healthy type), and chocolate populate the car on the 8 hour road trip. We did not eat when we were hungry but rather when we solely glanced over at the carb bag-the temptress entangling us in a dance of seduction that always ended in a lust for more.

Upon our arrival to Minneapolis, we went to the grocery store to gather our precious food for the week. Normally, when I go to the grocery store, my cart is filled with fruit, vegetables, and meat; on the Oldham vacation a cart like this would be promptly doused in lighter fluid and set on fire. The vacation cart is only filled with the most precious carbs that are unthinkable for consumption at other times in the year: double stuffed oreos, Cheetos, Doritos, gallons of ice cream, biscuits, donuts, potato chips, pizza [insert favorite carb]. We get enough food for two weeks but somehow find ourselves back at the grocery  store only a couple days later for another hit of the good stuff. Purchasing food at the grocery store is not enough for the Oldhams-we require carbs from all sources. After purchasing the groceries, we headed to a famous ice cream store which serves enormous portions. I decided to order the biggest portion and was presented with a gallon sized bowl of ice cream drizzled with chocolate sauce and topped with whipped cream-my father and wife circling me like vultures over a dead wildebeest.

This obsession with eating continued throughout the week with an equal obsession with bike riding/walking. You might think that bike riding and walking at least offset some of the eating. Wrong! We biked 15 miles each day, to the point that it hurt to fart, and yet we still couldn’t suck in our stomachs. I walked around the Mall of America for six hours, to the point that I needed a fricking scooter, and yet stretchy pants still felt tight. Each day I though that I couldn’t go on, that I had to go back to my normal diet. Each day I tried to refrain but it was as if I would black out and find myself eating cereal out of a Tupperware container or savoring Chips Ahoy while taking a shower. My low point came on the last day. The last meal. The final countdown. We ate at Olive Garden and then immediately went to get ice cream. After the ice cream I said that my vacation was over and I was finally ready to eat healthy again. One hour later…I must have blacked out again because I found myself in the kitchen eating two microwaved hot dogs sandwiched between a hamburger bun. Do I regret some decisions over the past week? Yes. Did I have an awesome vacation that will be with me in memory and waist line forever? Yes. Am I looking forward to next year’s vacation? Let’s just say i’m already mapping out the ice cream shops.

Ultimate Smoked Pork Shoulder

What better recipe to be the first on the Bohemian Caveman recipe page than the Ultimate Smoked Pork Shoulder. Pork shoulder or Boston Butt is one of my favorite pieces of meat because when cooked properly it is extremely tender and jam packed with flavor. You can cook pork shoulder in the oven or crockpot but those methods are weak sauce compared to slow smoking. BBQ joints always sell pulled pork (which comes from the pork shoulder) but I always feel like I don’t get my money’s worth. I want some fricking MEAT and I don’t want to spend 15 dollars for a little serving. Hence, I am going to show you how to cook your own pork monster and enjoy endless mouth watering servings at a fraction of the cost compared to the BBQ restaurants. Let’s start….

Ingredients:

8-10 LB Pork Shoulder aka Boston Butt
Marinade
2 Cups Apple Juice
1/2 Cup Kosher Salt
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
1 Cup White Vinegar
Rub
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
2 1/2 Tbsp Chili Powder
1 Tbsp Onion Powder
1 Tbsp Garlic Powder
1 Tbsp Dry Mustard
1 Tbsp Coarsley Ground Black Pepper
1 Tbsp Kosher Salt
1/2 Tbsp Cayenne Pepper
Glaze
Your favorite bottle of BBQ sauce
Smoke
Apple or Mixed Hardwood Chips or Pellets
Equipment
Any outdoor smoker (I use a Masterbuilt 30-inch Electric Smoke with the A-MAZE-N pellet tray)
Meat Probe
Meat Injector
Aluminum Pan

Alright, you may be saying….”What the frick Jon, I don’t have all of these ingredients and obscure equipment!!!” Fair enough, but most of these ingredients are pantry staples and if you don’t have a smoker then you can slow cook the shoulder in the oven (it will obviously taste different).

  1. The Marinade: Dissolve Apple Juice, Kosher Salt, Brown Sugar and Vinegar in a saucepan (do not bring to boil). Once contents are dissolved remove from heat (see picture below). Take meat injector and inject pork shoulder with marinade every 1 square inch. *Just inject the meat hunk a million times until all that beautiful liquid is inside the shoulder* Place meat in aluminum pan and cover in refrigerator overnight.

    IMG_0087

    The Marinade

  2. The Rub: The next day, remove marinated pork shoulder from refrigerator. Combine in a separate bowl the Cup Brown Sugar, Chili Powder, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Dry Mustard, Coarsely Ground Black Pepper, Kosher Salt and  Cayenne Pepper. Mix thoroughly with spoon and then generously rub all over pork shoulder (see pictures below).
  3. The Smoke: I am going to give directions for my electric smoker but these can be translated to any other cooking apparatus. Preheat to 250 degrees. Take A-MAZE-N pellet tray and fill with wood pellets (see below). Light pellets and get them smoking. Place pork butt in the smoker uncovered for 3 hours.

    IMG_0070.JPG

    A-MAZE-N Pellet Tray with mixed hardwood pellets

  4. The Apple Juice: After smoking for 3 hours, remove pork shoulder and insert meat probe into thickest part (this can be done at the beginning of the smoke also). Place 1 cup of apple juice in the bottom of aluminum pan and cover pork shoulder with aluminum foil. Place back in smoker and continue cooking for approximately 6 hours or until the internal temp reaches 205 degrees. *You have to get the temp up to 205 degrees to properly breakdown the connective tissues and melt the collagen to make it tender*

    IMG_0072

    My electric smoker that my beautiful wife bought me for Christmas

  5. The Glaze and the Feast: Remove shoulder from smoker and lightly coat with your favorite BBQ sauce. Place back in smoker uncovered for one hour with no heat. This is the resting phase which is essential to keep the meet extra moist. The glaze will harden and create a nice bark. After the hour wait, your brain will be ready to explode from excitement. Behold your creation for a couple minutes and give yourself a big high five. The first bite will feel like pork nirvana and you may hit unknown levels of ecstasy. Leftovers will be abundant so enjoy!!!

    IMG_0093.JPG

    There she is! It was so delicious and we barely put a dent in it. We will have a lot of leftovers.