Have you ever had a really nasty encounter with a person? One of those encounters where you get so upset that you become a nasty person yourself. Where both people seem to be climbing a mountain of frustration with no way of turning back to calmer ground. The type of frustrating interaction that leaves you emotionally and physically drained afterwards. Our difficulty with these charged events is that they don’t happen very often. Their irregularity leaves us vulnerable to repeating the same mistakes over and over-never really learning the correct coping mechanisms. Some of us blow up while others of us shut down-both are not helpful. I do not write this as a saint or someone who is always in a zen state immune to the winds of confrontation. I do however know from experience that we are the masters of how we react to all incoming stimulus. Dr. Stephen Covey said “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.” This means that the only thing we can control is our reaction to whatever stimulus comes our way. We can’t control what other people say or do-we can only control how we react to those things.
My wife and I like to play tennis. Do you know the best skill a tennis player can have? Power? Control? Finesse? Determination? These are all helpful but the very best skill is one most people don’t think of-patience. Patience in waiting until the very last millisecond to hit the ball. Serena Williams is so good because she takes in every last detail of the balls trajectory, speed, spin, and behavior before administering her swing. Because of her patience and extra time to compute the stimulus she can return the best possible volley. This skill directly translates to the tennis match of conversation. The ball is the stimulus that is being rocketed your way and you need to decide how to react. Are you a pro like Serena with the patience to analyze the ball?
-Honey I had an awful day at work and the patients were so mean to me?
-…I’m so sorry about that, tell me about what happened?
Or are you like a flabby amateur who hits the ball without the slightest delay and care for detail?
–Honey I had an awful day at work and the patients were so mean to me?
-You should be use to those types of patients and have a tougher skin.
We volley a hundred conversations a day without batting an eye. These are the matches that allow us to function and bring us together in a healthy manner. Those interactions are not the problem, the ones we need to prepare for are the irregular matches against the indomitable opponents. The opponents that want to hit the tennis ball right in our face. The opponents that would love to see us defeated on the other side of the net. These rare matches require pro skills and that is why you must practice how you react to stimulus on a daily basis. Think about the other person’s feelings, motives, perspectives, background, and intentions. Let all those words and actions float in front of you-dissect their meaning-and then volley back a reply. This skill is extremely difficult because we are quick to react and many times want to hit the other person in the nuts with our rackets. We need to remember that scoring one good hit may score a point but it doesn’t mean we won the match. Play the long game in life and hone the skill of reaction to become a professional in every day interactions. Be the person that always seems to know the right thing to say at the right time. Be the person who is a role model for the amateur players. Be the person who can dominate the game of life.
On Friday, I went to see the fireworks in Baroda, Michigan to celebrate the Fourth of July. To my dismay, I saw several large Confederate flags flying in the back of excessively large pickup trucks. I found this perplexing because these were Michiganders who, during the Civil War, fought against the south; in one example, the entirety of males in Flint, MI, with the mayor as their commander, signed up do defend the union during America’s bloodiest war. What does the Confederate Flag represent in today’s age? State’s rights? Racism? Heritage? Pride? I believe it is a combination of all those things with groups emphasizing certain meanings to suit their agendas (think the KKK with racism and the state of South Carolina with heritage). I wanted to know more about the Confederacy and the Civil War in general so I read The Civil War by Geoffrey Ward. I highly recommend this book because it not only goes over the war in understandable detail but it also has essays that explain why the war came about, who freed the slaves,the politics of war, the views of the men who fought, and what the war did to shape US history.
The Civil War began on April 12th, 1861 when Fort Sumter in South Carolina was taken by the Confederacy. The first shot of the war occurred in the first state that seceded from the Union. Actually, South Carolina seceded on December 20th, 1860 as a direct result of Abraham Lincoln being elected one month prior; seven states would secede before Lincoln was even inaugurated. Why did these state’s hate Abraham Lincoln so much? The answer is complex but Lincoln was the first president in the history of the United States who had a political agenda to prevent the spread of slavery. He did not want to initially abolish slavery but he did not want it to spread to the new territories acquired by the Mexican-American War. Lincoln believed that slavery would eventually extinguish itself in the south and that there was no need to abolish it during his term. The South, felt threatened by this very moderate platform and believed that a Republican administration would lead to a world where slave holding would be stigmatized as morally wrong, slaves would be encouraged to rise up against their masters, and racial equality would exist. The newly formed Confederate States of America adopted the US constitution but made one major amendment-slavery could never be abolished. This one fact makes it quite obvious that the Confederacy was formed because of slavery and nothing else. The argument of State’s Rights is a hard sale because the Confederate government made no concessions in their adopted US constitution to increase State’s Rights and it actually infringed upon State’s Rights by enforcing the first draft in history. Furthermore, the North had just as many “State’s Rights” transgressions related to slavery with the enforcement of the Fugitive-Slave Act and the Dred Scott decision which essentially said slavery could not be prohibited in any of the “Free States.”
To simply put it, 11 southern states ran away from the union, crying like spoiled children, because they “believed” they wouldn’t be allowed to enslave people anymore. This tantrum led to the death of over 600,000 people to restore the Union and to finally force the end of slavery. So what does the Confederate flag represent? It represents the continuation of slavery at all costs-including the death of it’s citizens and the once great Union that it broke from. Is this the “Heritage” that Confederate flag supporters are talking about? Are you proud of a heritage of ignorance, political paranoia, and innumerable-citizen deaths for the continuation of slavery? I’m not, and that is why the Confederate flag should not be associated with any government institution today. We are the United States of America and the only flag we should be flying is the one with 50 stars-promoting the idea that we are a synergistic union of states which strives for freedom and equal treatment of all its citizens. Happy Fourth of July 🙂